Murphy's Revenge
by Colin Bateman
Headline, 2005 http://www.colinbateman.com/
Revenge, Smooth and Sweet
Critical Mick, in his uncompromising quest to bring you the full inside story on all Irish Crime fiction, wore a wire at the BBC studios and went undercover ala fictional detective Martin Murphy. London-based Murphy, haunted by deeds done while a copper in Northern Ireland, is the central figure of the 2005 Colin Bateman novel Murphy's Revenge.
TRANSCRIPT:
Critical Mick: (sound of heavy briefcase slamming down on a reception desk) Guard, buzz me through! James Nesbitt needs this revised script, stat!
Guard: (crisp BBC accent): Sorry- you are-?
CM: Ha ha! You're well vigilant to ask for ID, miss. Well done! I seldom come down to the set in person. I'm the scriptwriter for the BBC series Murphy's Law.
Guard: If I may just see your pass, then….
CM: There's no time for that! Look, you've probably always dreamed of being on telly? Buzz me through and I'll see you get an on-screen part. Colin Bateman, who wrote the series of Murphy novels that this fine television drama is based on, is here today doing a cameo. I'll get you on, too!
Guard: Frightfully sorry, I'll still need to see your pass.
CM: Yowza! What fine legs I see as you stand to block my way! I'll make sure they are prominently featured in your walk-on- come on, love-
Guard: If there is material that must be delivered to a set, you may leave it in my care.
CM: Ha ha! No, I need to go in as well. In case there are any last-minute changes. This script, you see, is based on the second book in the Murphy series. It's called Murphy's Revenge. What if, after I chat with mad Ulsterman Colin Bateman, a whole new light appears on the story and I need to rewrite everything? Come on! I need to get through there and meet Bateman and James Nesbitt.
Guard: Frightfully sorry! No.
CM: Please?
Guard: No.
CM: Don't I look like a television insider?
Guard: Sorry, no.
CM: OK, so maybe I've only got the build for Celebrity Fat Camp. That's why I stay behind the scenes and adapt Colin Bateman's novels into screenplays! Murphy's Revenge- case in point. I've captured all the excitement, from the opening dip into the mind of a serial rapist to the tragic injustice where Murphy has been sacked off the force! Through description and dialogue, this script shows a man on the edge of sanity! A cop struggling so hard to come to terms with abundant evil that he might be pushed over the edge by something as simple as a rip-off deal at a Subway sandwich shop. Come on, what do you say?
Guard: No.
CM: You're a security guard- and a fit one at that! Which means you've probably always dreamed of being a cop. Hey, I can write you in as one! You see, Murphy hasn't actually lost his job. It's a cover so that he can join Confront, a support group for victims of criminal injustice. He's still secretly meeting up with his police handlers. You'd be perfect in one of those roles, if you'd just step aside….
Guard: Please leave. I have the authority to summon the bobbies, you do realize that?
CM: OK, then, you can play Murphy's love interest! Another member of the support group- a lady who may in fact be the vigilante who is murdering all the baddies who are guilty of evading legal prosecution? You're strong as Charles Bronson. You'd be great in the femme fatale role!
Guard: If you don't leave immediately, I will wrap my Zimmer frame around your skull.
CM: Listen, granny, I've had enough! Step aside! Let me through to see Colin Bateman! He will be so mad at you! I will try to put in a good word on your behalf, but-!
Guard: You are aware that the novel Murphy's Revenge was adapted by the BBC several years ago?
CM: Huh?
Guard: And that Colin Bateman wrote his own screenplays for the first three series of Murphy's Law?
CM: In between hammering out all those novels, he had time to do that?
Guard: And that Mr. Bateman is not on the set today or any day. This fourth season is written without his involvement.
CM: Um.
Guard: Yes?
CM: Would I look like less of a fool if I said that Murphy's Revenge was a very solid and entertaining novel? That it touched thematically both the carriages and miscarriages of justice? That its case unexpectedly hit Murphy right where it hurts worst of all, and held surprises right until the very end?
Guard: It would not.
CM: Then shall I just avoid any further embarrassment and leg it out of here?
Guard: That would be perfect. Before you go, please hold still for one moment.
One step ahead of the wailing sirens, Critical Mick bravely pauses just long enough to catch his breath and transcribe for you the truth, the whole unedited truth, and nothing but. Let us be thankful that Colin Bateman has not lost his touch since Divorcing Jack, that James Nesbitt's Murphy gets undercover far more convincingly than Critical Mick, and that Zimmer frames are not as difficult to unwrap from a skull as it first may seem.
Colin Bateman's second Murphy novel narrowly missed Critical Mick's list of best books read in 2007.
Books n' Bytes have also reviewed Murphy's Revenge.... without all the drama.
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