Utterly Monkey
Nick Laird
Fourth Estate, 2005
My Kind of Mammoth
(The scene: A friendly family room with adjoining dining nook. The picture window reveals rooftops and washing lines of a New York neighborhood located deep in the borough of nostalgia. Also noteworthy; TV, family portrait, one extremely oversized recliner. As theme music ends...)
Thelma (enters through swinging kitchen door, chatting amicably with neighbor ): ...so I say to the potter, "You think you're hairy? You don't know my husband!"
(laugh track)
Mertyl: Oh Thelma, you slay me! What will you come up with next?
Thelma: Next, Mertyl, I'd better get Wally's dinner on. You know Wally! Out there driving that bus past every restaurant, greengrocer and fishmarket in the Bronx all day, that's enough to whip up an appetite in any man.
Mertyl: (raises a trademark eyebrow) Any MAN-?
Thelma: Figuratively speaking, of course. You know Wally!
(laugh track)
Thelma: Anyway I'm surprising him with a guest for dinner tonight. All the way from Ireland!
Mertyl: Ireland! I hope you bought in enough corned beef and cabbage!
Thelma: (reproachful); Now, Mertyl, if you watched your television documentaries you would know that's a stereotype and there's no truth to it.
(pause)
Thelma: In Ireland everyone eats fish and chips!
(laugh track)
Thelma: This dinner guest might just teach us a thing or two. If we can keep him away from the whiskey that is!
(laugh track)
Wally: (offstage) Thelma, I'm home!
(applause)
(Stage left, in waddles a Wooly Mammoth wearing a New York Metro uniform. More warm applause.)
Wally: And, boy, am I hungry! I've got four stomachs, and each one thinks my trunk's on strike.
(laugh track)
Thelma: Wally Mammoth, you'll eat your supper tonight with a knife and fork! I won't be having my children grow up with bad table manners.
Wally: You're right, dear. Good parents teach their children the proper way to behave. Mertyl! You and Irv will join us, won't you?
Mertyl: A full-grown mammoth trying to eat with a proper cutlery? I wouldn't miss it for the world.
(laugh track)
Wally: Yep yep yep yep yep.
(laugh track) (applause for the catchphrase)(laugh track)
Thelma: I know how lonely you get for other animals, Wally, so I have a treat for you tonight. We're showing all-American hospitality to a little guy who's been getting a lot of media attention back in his native Ireland- Utterly Monkey!
Wally: Thelma Mammoth, you're the best!
(Theme music)
Announcer: My Kind of Mammoth will return, right after these important messages from our sponsor.
Father's Music by Dermot Bolger. The Whole Irish Experience Between Two Covers!
Big Fat Love by Peter Sheridan. Ye Know Me Ma?
(Theme music)
The Twins: Daddy, Daddy, do we need to use a fork and spoon for everything we eat tonight?
Wally: Not this bag of peanuts! Here you go, kids, snack away until our guest arrives.
The Twins: Thanks! You're big and strong and cuddly like all daddies should be!
(Audience: awwww!)
Wally (points behind the Twins): Look! Is that the monkey coming now? And Dean Martin with him!
(When the twins' heads are turned, Wally vacuums all the peanuts out of their bag with his trunk)
The Twins (turning to find their peanut bag empty): Dad-dy!
Wally (munching): Wasn't me, there's not a single scrap of peanut shell on my hands, look!
(laugh track)
Irv: Wally, you're my kind of mammoth!
(laugh track)
(door bell)
Thelma: That must be Utterly Monkey! Mertyl, hide the liquor.
(opens door)
Mailman Moe: Special Delivery!
(laughter and applause as Mailman Moe enters)
Wally (from the table): Is that the monkey, Thelma?
Mailman Moe: No, it's the monkey's uncle!
(laugh track)
Irv: I don't get it.
Mailman Moe: You're having fish and chips? Don't mind if I do! (seats himself)
Thelma: We thought you were Utterly Monkey.
Mailman Moe (eats like a pig): No, I'm utterly something else.
(laugh track)
Mailman Moe: Here, Mrs. M. I was supposed to deliver this package to you earlier, but something unavoidably delayed me.
Thelma: What was that?
Mailman Moe: The fact that it wasn't yet dinner time!
(laugh track)
Thelma (unwrapping, then holding the object up in plain view): Why, Utterly Monkey! is a book! It's not a real monkey at all.
Wally: Who's the author?
Thelma: Nick Laird, a young up-and-comer from County Tyrone, Northern Ireland.
Wally: Is Nick Laird going to join us for dinner?
Thelma: Not that I know about.
Wally: Good! Let's finally eat.
(laugh track)
Mertyl (raising trademark eyebrow at Mailman Moe accusingly): If there's anything left TO eat.
Mailman Moe (still shoveling): You're just upset that I keep bringing you all those bills from Bloomingdale's!
(Wally uses his trunk to tap Mailman Moe on his shoulder, then snatches what's left of the food away when Mailman Moe's back is turned)
Irv: Wally, you're my kind of mammoth!
(everyone eats, theme music rises)
Announcer: We'll rejoin My Kind of Mammoth right after supper!
The Silent People by Walter Macken. Worthy Grounding in Irish History, With Romantic Subplot
McCarthy's Bar by Pete McCarthy. Scotland? A Book This Irish and Critical Mick's Review Begins in Scotland?
(theme music)
Thelma: Now children, stop trying to eat your cake with a straw!
The Twins: But Daddy sucked his up!
(laugh track)
Thelma: Wally, I feel so bad that Utterly Monkey is a novel by Nick Laird. It must be so lonely to be the only mammoth who drives a bus in the Bronx. I had hoped having another animal over might cheer you up.
Wally: That's so thoughtful, Thelma. Come here for a mammoth hug.
(Audience: awwwww!)
Mailman Moe: None of that bestiality, you two, there's children watching!
(whole cast stares straight out at the camera)
(laugh track)
Mailman Moe: And don't be too disappointed, Thelma. Utterly Monkey! is a good addition to any bookshelf.
Thelma: Oh?
Mailman Moe: Yeah, I read it to kill the time until you'd be serving dinner.
Mertyl: Mailman Moe, you cheeky monkey!
Mailman Moe: Utterly Monkey!
(laugh track)
Wally: So did you enjoy reading through our mail?
Mailman Moe: The novel's great. Where'd you think I picked up my best jokes?
(laugh track)
Announcer: Want to hear more about when Wally Mammoth met Utterly Monkey? My Kind of Mammoth will be right back!
Cold Steel by Paul Carson. Eleven Lies About Cold Steel
Streetwise: Stories from an Irish Prison, edited by Neville Thompson. Neville Thompson is in Jail
(theme music)
Mertyl: I notice you kept the best jokes for the commercial break, Mailman Moe.
Mailman Moe (holds up Nick Laird's novel): If only Mrs. Mailman Moe was this dirty!
(laugh track)
Mailman Moe: The unusual title, for instance. "Utterly Monkey" is a phrase that Danny and Geordie, the two friends at the novel's core, use to describe anything that is really disgusting.
Mertyl: That's a weird phrase!
Mailman Moe: Well, they're from Northern Ireland. Who can understand anyone from up there?
(laugh track)
Thelma: Will I understand these funny Irish people better if I read Utterly Monkey?
Mailman Moe: No, but you'll getta hoot at the way that Nick Laird describes things. It's almost like having your own personal, portable Mailman Moe. Keeps you laughing when I'm not around!
Wally: If that's the case-
(takes the book from Mailman Moe and wallops the freeloader out the door with his trunk.)
(laugh track)
(Mailman Moe steps back through the door, bows for applause, makes a silly face for another laugh, then exits for good. Applause.)
Irv: Wally, you're my kind of mammoth!
Thelma: Well, I'll just clear away these dishes. Mertyl, why don't we give Utterly Monkey to the girls from the Book Circle? We'll all have a read and then meet back here next week to discuss it properly!
(theme music, stock footage of the New York of yesteryear)
Announcer: One week later....
(a group of women gather around the table. Wally and Irv play checkers by the TV. The Twins dance on, stage right....)
The Twins (straight faced): Mama, look what we learned how to do at school today!
(they turn their butts and make loud farting noises: blooof!)
Thelma: Children!
The Twins: We're pretending to be The Bloofer Lady!
Wally (struggles out of his giant recliner): I'll show you the Bloofer Lady!
(a cataclysmic mammoth fart shakes the set)
(laugh track)
The Twins: Ew!!! (run offstage)
(laugh track)(applause)(laugh track)
Irv: Wally, you're my kind of mammoth!
Thelma (picking herself up off floor): Now that we've had our delicious Folger's Coffee and the children are put to bed, shall we discuss Nick Laird's novel, Utterly Monkey?
Gathered book circle girls: Oh yes, (cough cough) let's.
Announcer: Let's hear what the girls thought of Utterly Monkey- right after this important word from our sponsor!
The Broken Cedar by Martin Malone. Sex, Belief, Domestic Disputes, Shotguns, Rockets & Insights
All Summer by Claire Kilroy. Dingo Fandango
(theme music)
Announcer: And now back to My Kind of Mammoth.
Mertyl: So Utterly Monkey is a book about an Irish lawyer living in London, England!
Irv (to Wally): Lawyers! I hate their sleazy, rotten guts.
Wally (to Irv): I'd never realized, before Thelma started reading Utterly Monkey aloud, that lawyers hate each other's sleazy, rotten guts, too!
(laugh track)
Thelma: Yes, both the main character Danny and his love interest are lawyers. Thank God we never see them in court! All those laws make my pretty little head swim. Those men like Perry Mason and Paul McCarthy are so smart, they scare me a little.
Book Circle Girl #1: I was more scared by those mean Northern Ireland thugs with their drugs and guns!
Book Circle Girl #2: Though the book contained several reassuringly poignant human moments, there sure were lots of meanies. I was so glad when Danny punched one in the nuts.
Irv: Can she say that?!
(laugh track)
Wally: What?
Irv: One of those extras just said "punched in the nuts."
Wally: That Utterly Monkey is a dangerous book, if it's giving women ideas like that!
Irv: Guard your valuables.
(Irv places his hands defensively over his groin. Wally attempts, comically, to cover his enormous trunk.)
(laugh track)
Mertyl: Though Nick Laird's novel has crooks, lawyers, stolen money, drugs and beautiful women, it doesn't read like some of those exciting thrillers my Irv likes. Most of the action concerns Danny's friendship with the reprobate, Geordie.
Thelma: Yes, there are long asides as Danny goes on a business trip for his law firm or spends time at work. I had almost forgotten about the fanatic villain, until that climax of the last forty pages.
Book Circle Girl #1: But wasn't that innovative? Didn't it break the mold?
Book Circle Girl #2: Not really. It felt tacked-on. Though a fun read, the novel seemed sloppy in places.
Wally: Wait a minute- (starts digging through a stack of mail beside the checkerboard)
(Half a dozen burly stagehands burst into the scene and grab Book Circle Girl #2. She slaps one aside and starts screaming, Motherless Brooklyn! Motherless Brooklyn! Two men tackle her legs and try to drag her offstage. Inspired by what she's read, Book Circle Girl #2 punches an assailant in the nuts. Two exceptionally careful stagehands drag her off, knocking down a section of wall. The others drag away their moaning comrade, waving apologetically. Thelma lights cigarettes for Mertyl and the remaining extras.)
Wally: I'd thought as much! There was a corporate take-over right after Act Two. This episode is now sponsored by the publishers of Utterly Monkey!
Irv (reading): That would explain this new script. Right now I'm supposed to say: "Jeepers, Wally, that Nick Laird book sounds exciting! I think I'll buy a copy of my own."
Wally: It also explains all the farting, bestiality and bad language. That's not what My Kind of Mammoth is all about.
Irv: This is a family sitcom. Sentimentality for old-fashioned values and a big, cute, cuddly, good-natured animal!
Wally: Woah there, Irv! Keep your cuddly to yourself.
(laugh track)
Thelma: What did you think of the red-hot sex scene, Mertyl?
Mertyl: Oh, if only my Irv would give it to me that good!
Irv (still to Wally): Besides, remembering all this new script's lines is hard work. Usually I just say "I Don't Get It." Or "Wally, You're My Kind of Mammoth."
Wally (backing away): That last phrase takes on a whole new meaning. Irv, listen good: you're not my type.
Irv: Can it, Wally. You know I've been diddling the actress that plays Thelma for years.
(shocked protest)
Wally: Where's that Announcer when you need him? Shit!
(gasps)
Wally: Is this going out live? Can we re-do that? Shit! I didn't mean to say shit.
(sounds of a studio audience fleeing in pandemonium)
Irv: They're the smart ones. When a mammoth starts shitting, you don't want to be anywhere near.
(tries opening his own canned laughter)
Thelma (loudly): Yes, Mertyl, Utterly Monkey is right up there with Colin Bateman's classic, Divorcing Jack. Ahem! I said, Yes, Mertyl...
Mertyl: You've been diddling my husband Irv? (bursts into angry storms of tears)
Thelma: Oh, fuck's sake! This whole episode's gone Utterly Monkey.
Wally: Kicking and screaming, but dragged into the twenty-first century nonetheless. Ah well! Gimme that book. I'm headed for the bathroom. I wanna read that sex scene.
(mayhem)
Announcer: Wally, You're My Kind of Mammoth! Stay tuned for Erin Hart in Ricki Lake of Sorrows, also brought to you by Utterly Monkey. A book, not a real monkey.
Wally: Yep yep yep yep yep.
(laugh track) (applause for the catchphrase)(laugh track)
Critical Mick gives Utterly Monkey three mammoth stars.
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