Past Diatribes

Very Wise. Please Read Carefully.

-- September 2004 --

The DFA Guide to Dublin is back in action!

Right onto good news: I met my hero!

Yes!

("Emo's still alive?" My Mom's reaction.)

The comeback trail and the Bulmers International Comedy Festival brought to Dublin Emo Philips, the bizzarest comedian that creation has ever known. Hailed by Jay Leno as "the best joke writer in America," Emo is both the Simon and the Garfunkel of stand-up. What I am trying to say is that with his off-beat observations, poems and stories, Emo had the Olympia Theatre "Feelin' Groovy."

Also, he looks as weird as Garfunkel.

I first encountered Emo back in the late 1980's. When not rocking out to the white-girl reggae of the early 10,000 Maniacs, I was filling my ears with equally usual sounds. Howie Mandel, Sam Kinneson, Judy Tenuta, Steven Wright, Eddie Murphy, Richard Belzer, Robert Klein... there was some mighty stand-up, in those high school days. Robin Williams was their king, but the role of court jester belonged undeniably to Emo Phillips.

Prince Valliant Hair-do firmly in place, Emo is back on the scene in 2004. Though guarded by three-hundred pound Olympia bouncers, I managed to sneak backstage to meet him.

"Emo! Back in 1989, me and my buddy Chris Jagiello snuck underage into a Buffalo, New York comedy club to see you! You've been my hero ever since!"

"Wow! I take it by your presence here, restraining orders against stalkers do no good!"

OK, Emo didn't really say that. He said something funnier, I'm just too big an idiot to remember what. I do remember that he spent ten minutes chatting with us, clearly the entertainer who loves his fans. (Not literally. Or at least he didn't try anything with me.)

I even got this neat autograph! Bonus. Mick says: check out Emo's website for jokes, photos, a short movie, .mp3s and other oddities. Most important: check out his tour dates! If he is performing anywhere in your area, make it on your calendar! Bring coleslaw.

Speaking of well-received returns... I recently received a message from Ken Frank, bassist of the Colorblind James Experience. To paraphrase: "Saw your tribute to Colorblind James. Many thanks! He is missed deeply by his many friends." We corresponded for a while, and Ken shared some excellent news!

Currently in production, Colorblind's fellow musicians are putting together a tribute album. All the members of the old Experience are involved, along with other friends and collaborators. Joined by cult heros Michael Hurley and Johnny Dowd, the gang will cover the music that Colorblind wrote and loved.

Ken writes: "The goals of this tribute are: To raise some money for CBJ's wife and children, and to continue his musical legacy by releasing versions of lesser known songs from throughout his 25 plus year career. Of course, there will be versions of some of his Greatest Hits too."

So, old fans and newcomers alike! The album is expected in the spring of 2005, so prepare for a treat. These are songs that are too good to let die.

I will post more details as they're made available. One piece of news? A highly-digable jazz band called Margaret Explosion will be giving its explosive treatment to the catchy, experimental "Ride Board." Judging from the ME .mp3's available free online, this should be interesting!

Yes, Mick is not only an Emo fan, but a CBJE fan as well. It's my mission to spread the good news, so hear ye, hear ye!

Another excellent- and important- discovery that I would like to highlight to my fellow Americans at home and abroad. SelectSmart.com's Presidential Candidate Survey!

Still undecided, with the election looming near?

Or have you decided which bozo best apes your beliefs?

You sure? Check SelectSmart out. A short survey will gather your views on this election's important issues. Click &quo;OK" and it will process your answers, comparing them to the positions and promises of the various contenders. For instance: suppose you indicated that education was an issue that you felt strongly about. The survey filters as much politician waffle as is possible and reveals which contender shares your belief.

I found this tool very interesting. It confirmed who I had already picked as my first choice, but surprised me with who came in numbers two and three. For a site that chiefly exists to inform people what Old West Outlaw they most resemble, SelectSmart have a surprisingly useful tool!

Instructions for how ex-pats can register to vote can be found in The Guide. I have my absentee ballot and am deep into the accompanying research. (Yep, I'm an idiot, but I try to find the right answers when it really counts.)

To return to the world of arts and entertainments....

If you're reading this, chances are you're someone with taste in music. Rather than swallowing the crap that commercial stations use to saturate the airwaves, you choose your own tunes. Alternate music. Underground. You know what drum beats you like, and you march to them.

Well, if you go out of your way to choose the best in music, why be any less discerning with what you read? Will your life really be richer if you swallow the John Grisham and Stephen King that the local book chain pushes?

Rejoice! There's a chance to explore something new, something that only handful of other readers have tuned in to.

I am proud to announce that NFG Magazine, Issue 5, is red-hot off the presses. To lay a cliche to a long-overdue rest, it melted the presses! The suckers will need to be reinvented from scratch.

ORIGINALITY. I read a stupid amount of grassroots fiction. Ordinary Joes who write because they have something revolutionary to say, not because their name has become a brand©®™ and some company is looking for anything resembling a laundry list. Dudes with dreams and pens.

To return to an earlier theme... if your scratch is legible, send it in! Full details for how to submit fiction, articles, poetry and contest entries can be found on the NFG website. True, ninety-nine percent our submissions are rejected. But, check out the imagination, character and heart of the efforts that make it into print! Marcus Grimm's tale of a washed-up hockey mascot, "On Ice," knocked me flat- and I don't even like hockey! Then there's this nut from Oklahoma, Monte Davis, who knocked me flat again with... well, I won't spoil "Machine Man" to reveal with what kind of a machine. Suffice to say that, even from flat on the ground, Mick is damn glad that these stories have broadened his perception of possibility.

What else have I been up to? When not stalking celebrities, I've added a few articles to The Guide. Check out the advice on train travel in Ireland and the lovely photos of Skerries, Co. Dublin. For those of you who are in the mood to chuck your PC out the window, there's been a major expansion to my computer-related pages. Also proud to boast: the Guide should once again display correctly for Netscape browsers.

Finally: I'd like to close with a shout-out to my friend Huib Zegers. True, this mad Dutchman may have horrendous taste in candy, but that is his only failing. Never has there been a kinder, wiser, harder-working journalist. With a sense of humor! Goldmember did you no justice, Huib. Many thanks! You've taught me loads- and not just about what double-salt licorice to avoid!

Peace

Y F M H

mick @ mickhalpin dot com